John R. Fischer

If you have followed me since the launch of this blog a few weeks ago, you may recall my first post about living in the present and not dwelling on the past. For many people, myself included, part of what makes focusing on the here and now and letting the past be the past so challenging is the trauma we have experienced and the present day triggers that instantly fill our brains with those memories.

Recently, a good friend of mine ended a relationship with a toxic individual. Out of respect for my friend’s privacy, I won’t go into details about the relationship but since it’s ended, he has resorted to the typical underhanded tactics of any malevolent abuser, lying and gaslighting her and of course, playing the victim when confronted.

He even told my friend that he was breaking up with the new woman he started dating (and moved in with after only twon months). A few days later, my friend ran into his cousin who unknowingly spilled the beans that the abusive ex and his girlfriend were pregnant. My friend called him and asked him what this was about, and he admitted to lying to her because he did not want her to be hurt if she knew since it was something he always wanted. Typical narcissistic behavior. Thankfully, my friend doesn’t care and told him as much and that he didn’t have to lie to her. He, of course, tried to say he was looking out for her feelings but she knew what he was doing and blocked im afterwards.

In talking to her about this experience, it has reminded me of my own past trauma with toxic people in my life. I am happy that my friend didn’t fall for his excuses and cut him off. But I would be remiss if I did not say that I felt ashamed and angry at myself that I was not able to do the same with my own bullies and narcissists, at least not all of the time.

I am not in anyway blaming my friend for making me feel like this. In fact, in some ways, it has been therapeutic to be able to give her advice from my own experience to help her avoid making the same mistakes I did and to share each other’s observations about abusive relationships.

In the last few years, I have cut ties with several people whom I have realized were not good to have in my life, starting with a narcissistic roommate and another who enabled him by defending his lies with excuses and helping him do crazy things like throw out a couch of mine without my permission (Like I said, CRAZY). To avoid being whiny or playing the martyr, I won’t go too deep into the details. Instead, I’d like to share a few lessons I’ve learned for identifying and dealing with these sorts of low lifes.

1.) Trust your instincts: The biggest mistake we make in a toxic environment is ignoring our gut. From an early age, we learn basic lessons, like don’t hit, don’t make fun of others, don’t lie, don’t touch people’s things without their say so, etc. But as adults, dealing with chemical inbalances, low-self esteem, and the stresses of life that lead to anxiety and fear at the shear notion of engaging in conflict, we often times tell ourselves excuses, like “give him a chance” or “their intention was good”. When we do this, we not only undermine our intelligence, but we perpetuate and enable the abuser to continue to act out and harm someone important to us: ourselves…if not others as well.

We’ve also been taught not to hurt others and feel extreme guilt if we do so, like we’ve failed a basic value. So, we make excuses to avoid these pangs of anger toward ourselves, which in reality is failing to uphold another important value: respect for oneself. In doing so, we become enablers for the abusers. For me, what helped was setting boundaries not with my ex-roommates (since they would have just ignored them) but with myself. I told myself that I am worthy of respect and that if someone does not show it, then they are not worthy of me showing respect in return. In fact, showing respect to others who do not reciprocate it is disrespecting onself as it allows the abuser to take advantage of your kind nature and continue to put you down. I also told myself that it is not my problem that they have an issue with me and that I do not owe an explanation, a change in character, or anything in life. No one owes anyone anything in life. This allowed me to not worry as much about what they thought of me and also to not bother trying to get back at them.

2.) Don’t demand or hope for an apology: Honestly, if you are looking for an apology, you will be waiting forever. As I said before, no one owes anyone anything in life, and that include apologies. Should they say sorry if they do you wrong? Yes, but they are not obligated. I often find that people are tempted to call out their bullies (and have been guilty of it myself in the past) in the hopes that the bully may have grown or will want to damage control for their image and apologize. This almost always backfires for many reasons. Many people do not change, and even if they do, they may still not want to acknowledge guilt or feel that the situation was too long ago and that the need to address it has expired (this is wrong and deliberately ignores the other person’s feeling but what can you do).

Hoping they will apologize to save face makes their apology not real and makes you look controlling over them. Even if you prove they were a jerk in front of people and have evidence to back it up, more often than not everyone will just get quiet and internally rationalize their thoughts to avoid getting involved in the conflict. If they are friends with the abuser, they may feel a sense of loyalty or a desire to keep the person in their life, that they will stick up for them even when they are wrong. Another form of self-respect I’ve learned is telling yourself where your time and energy best suited, and it certaintly was not trying to scheme ways to get back at the people who wronged me in life. Little by little, I saw that other people drifted away from them, often times for the same reasons, so that is their cross to bear the best way for revenge to take place on its own.

3) Give as little information as possible: All toxic people thrive on information. The more they get, the more manipulative they become, and the more insidious and hurtful their actions become. Don’t buy into their gentle facades or excuses, and don’t let their bursts of anger frighten you. They just want attention and to get you to give them an update on what’s going on with you so they can find ways to mess up your life, even with the weirdest bits of information they ask for (my ex-roommate banged pots and pans on the kitchen countertop when I didn’t tell him who thought me how to brush my teeth). While hard, it’s not impossible. Just concentrate on respecting yourself. Say to yourself internally “I love myself, and I deserve respect” while walking away to separate yourself from the situation. If they demand you stay, say, I’m doing what I feel is best and walk off. You do not owe them an explanation, and when you have to say something, keep to one-word and one-sentence answers that are vague so as not to give away any information they can use against you.

4.) Figure out who your friends are: In any toxic situation, the abusers and narcissists always have people on their sides. How much these people support them varies, with some going to the ends of the earth to make them happy, and others just making lame, weak excuses like, “He’s just having a bad day.” It is important as well that you surround yourself with people on your side to vent to about these situations. If possible, they may be able to stand with you when confronted by your abuser directly. And if not, they can always be a source of emotional support at the least or even put you up should you leave the situation. Bare in mind though, your friends are people too with their own lives, stress, and traumas. You do not want to unload all your baggage on to them constantly and msut respect their wishes if they say it’s too much for them at times. If possible, it is best to see a licensed therapist to discuss these issues. For this, do you research, as it may surprise you that many psychologists, while helpful, are not adequately equipped to deal with these abusive issues (they are after all, people, like you and me, trying to figure themselves out in this world). My recommendation is to try and find one that has experiece counseling abuse survivors.

*Note: I know that I said above I did not want to go too much into the weeds of what went on in my situation. That should not be misconstrued as me saying that you should not talk about your abuse or that doing so is playing the victim. Talking about it with friends, family, and mental health professionals is important and necessary as part of the healing process. It’s more for myself and my desire to not ruminate or paint myself as the martyr who goes, “Always me.” It comes down to how you discuss it and more importantly, what actions you take to help yourself heal, learn, and move on from it. I have accepted a lot of the pain I went through at that time, and while I still struggle with it in some ways, I try not to rehash it and do not feel the need to discuss it so much with people anymore.

5.) Leave when or if you can: This can be very challenging and ultimately depends on the situation. It would be remiss of me to say that anyone can leave, as there are definitely situations where people are unfortunately unable to for a variety of reasons (lack of money, child custody, being shunned by one’s community, etc.)

I was fortunate to have a place to go when I left my situation. I lived with my narcissistic ex-roomie for five months and am proud that I did not stay too long, which unfortunately many people mistakenly do. For those who can leave, do so. Take all the help you can get, even if you have to move back in with your folks. You should not feel embarrassed for doing so if it helps free you from toxic people and helps you mentally and emotionally. If you do not have a place to go, save your money and stash it somewhere where the abuser cannot get to it, and when you can, leave.

Do not fall for the excuses, “It wasn’t my intention,” or “I can change,” or “I’m sorry,” or “Let’s talk.” If they have said these things before and nothing has changed, then you already know the result. It’s basic math. Walk away, do not look back. These people need you more than you need them so they can feel powerful and not have to acknowledge their insecurities. They project their problems on to you and try to manipulate you into thinking you need them and can’t survive on your own. There is no point calling them out, as they do not care, and others will almost always try to stay out of it. It’s also important to know, while it may be hard, that only you are responsible for helping yourself, no one else. If someone offers, take it and be grateful for the CHOICE they made, because it is a choice on their part, not an obligation.

Ultimately, to heal, you have to do the heavy lifting, as no one is responsible for your recovery and more importantly, no one can do it for you because your feelings are only yours and therefore, you have a unique experience from everyone else that only you can navigate and get past.

Lastly, for those who cannot leave, my heart goes to you. The best thing you can do in these situations is to engage in radical acceptance, where you accept that the abuser in your life won’t change and make alterations to ensure you get as much time away from them as you can and avoid upsetting them. I know it may seem like I’m being hypocritical and going against everything I just said, but these situations are unique and have no exit, so there has to be some compromises made to adjust and deal with this life in the best way possible. You can still practice things like keeping the info you give your abusers to a minimum and train yourself to put up with the temper tantrum or the fake excuses they make.

It’s been over three years since I left that abusive situation I was in, and to be honest, I’m more thankful now for it than before. It helped learn more about my deficiencies and take action to improve. In turn, I was able to see a lot of manipulative people in my life and cut them out, and more importantly, identify the traits in me and character flaws that were attracting these people. Today, I have a great support system with friends and family and haven’t had to cut anyone out of my life in almost a year.

So, while I still feel some shame for not standing up for myself at times, what I came out of this learning has helped me to avoid making the same mistakes. I also take pride in the things I did stand up for in that situation as well as what I am able to do now that back then would have been impossible. I know that these failures on my part were good lessons and have learned and grown from them. Rather than dwell and seek revenge, I now have respect for myself and my time to concentrate on things I do enjoy. And that, your happiness, is all that matters in the end (I know, cliche, but so true)!