John R. Fischer

One of the greatest values my parents instilled in me was to be grateful for what I have. It’s gotten me through a lot of tough times and allowed me to remain positive and most importantly, happy, even when things were at their worst.

Like everyone else, I’ve had my fair share of frustrations and gotten annoyed about little things. It’s only human nature. But by acknowledging and letting go of the need to control the situation, I’ve been able to see the good and enjoy myself and the people around me who are there and support me.

That’s why whenever I hear people on their birthday’s say it’s my special day, I often ask myself, “Are they saying, ‘I want to do something special because it’s my birthday,’ which is completely understandable, or are they saying, ‘It’s my special day so everything has to be perfect.’”

If it’s the latter, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is not possible. No day is perfect, not even our birthdays, and most importantly, you are not entitled to a perfect day. You and everyone around you is still human, which means we are prone to error on any day, and life is still in effect with its share of misunderstandings, fights, accidents and challenges that arise at any given moment.

To give you an example, everyone looks forward to their 18th birthday. I was no different. But when the day arrived, I was in the midst of a battle against a severe case of bronchitis, combined with severe spring allergies. My nose was red and stuffy, and I had a bad dry cough. To top it off, I was in the middle of studying for finals and had my history final that day.

I could have easily sulked and moaned the whole day, moping over the fact that I spending my 18th birthday hacking and coughing with a runny nose. I know that many, if they were in my shoes would, would lament that it was unfair how such a thing could happen to them on a milestone of a birthday. For me though, this lesson to be grateful for what I had in life helped me through the day by finding the positives. It was a Friday, which meant I could take the night off from studying and relax and focus on getting well. Additionally, that evening, my parents had a cake for me after dinner and my father gave me an iPod, something I had wanted for a while (yes, I am that old).

These days, I often hear people using the words, “special day” to describe their birthday, and I agree. It is a special day, a time to celebrate the gift of having another year of life to look forward to on earth. For many, it’s about enjoying attention from the people around you and having an opportunity to bring these people together to have fun and catch up with one another.

But while special, you’re birthday at the end of the day is not exempt from the daily challenges that life puts before you. Just as I was not exempt from being suseptible to getting sick around my 18th, no one can or should expect a perfect day. There’s no such thing, and there never will be. Often when people do expect or try to have the perfect day, the opposite occurs. By trying to control the whole day, they end up putting so much hype and pressure on themselves and the celebration that even the smallest mistake or issue is like a stake to a heart.

Two years ago, a friend of mine invited me to her birthday, which was a few weeks away. At the time, I was sick with a bad cold (I get sick a lot as you can tell) but managed to get better and was told by my doctor that I was not contagious. I met with my friend a week before her party, and we had a great time. I was still coughing a little but this was just leftover inflammation.

On the day of her party, my friend texted me that she wasn’t sure about me coming because of my cold. I simply thought I had not informed her that I was all better and that my doctor had given me the all clear. We also met a week before, and everyone was well after. So I texted her and explained that I was no longer contagious and posed no risk. She said okay but asked that I wear a mask just to be safe, which I agreed.

Later, I read over her original text again and though that I had misread it. I originally thought I hadn’t informed her that I was okay but now saw that I had and that even so, she was still nervous about getting sick due to having a personal condition. I reached out and let her know that I was sorry if I misread her text and was happy to meet up with her another time if she was more comfortable.

She sent me back a text saying that she was sorry if I didn’t agree with her decision and that she felt like she was clear with me. She also said at the same time that she had given me the green light to come so the choice was up to me. I was very confused and didn’t know what she wanted exactly. In the end, I chose to go to her party since she gave me the okay. There, I briefly brought it up to her at the table and apologized for any confusion I may have caused. She and I talked, and we seemed alright. She even came up at the end of the night to me and apologized again for the misunderstanding and said we were cool.

What followed was five months of her ghosting me, not returning texts or calls. Eventually she did respond to me, only to say that I had ruined her party by debating with her via text and had embarrassed her by bringing the issue up at the table.

Looking back, I acknowledge that maybe I should have asked to speak with her in private instead of bringing the issue up at the table. At the same time, she could have asked to speak with me in private, or had responded to my text with a clear answer of whether she wanted me at the party or not. But she didn’t, because she expected everything to go exactly the way she wanted on the day of her party, with no issues or misunderstandings.

By avoiding addressing the issues and by expecting everything to be perfect, she ended up lamenting over what the party was not, rather than enjoying the positives, like the fact that all her friends got her amazing gifts, a dear friend of hers flew in from Arizona, she had a delicious dinner at a reputable Thai restaurant in New York, a scrumptious cake and a singing session in a Karaoke bar afterward.

I understand that everyone sees things differently, and I’m not saying she didn’t have a right to be upset. I can even understand if she needed a few days or weeks at most to process things. But to lie and then go months without talking to someone over a misunderstanding like this just comes across as tedious to me. Rather than quickly addressing the misunderstanding and enjoying her party, she chose to dwell on two issues that she could have easily resolved by speaking up and failed to cherish all of the wonderful things about her party.

Some of you may say that I should understand that it’s not easy for people to speak up. While I acknowledge that, this was someone who always judged others when they remained silent, saying things like, ‘You should have said something when she insulted you like that,’ or ‘I can’t believe she stayed with that guy after the way he treated her and did not speak up for herself.’ As a result, I feel less sympathetic toward her on that note.

To get back on track to my original message here, I am saying that people need to realize that just because it’s your special day, it does not entitle you to pure perfection. You are not a prince or princess, and even they do not have perfect days on their birthdays, because we are all human at the end of the day. Expecting perfection is the perfect recipe for setting yourself up for disaster.

Instead, I find it’s best to be grateful for what you do have, as there are many people out there that never come close to what you have. There are many people who spend their entire lives, including birthdays, living on the streets, stuck in abusive situations, sick with severe, incurable diseases, and dealing with sick relatives or horrible financial situations, and the list goes on and on.

I often find that people who act like this do so out of insecurity, thinking that they have failed themselves on their big day and are not special or deserving of love or anything good.

This couldn’t be farther from the truth. As I said before, we are all human and prone to error. Another way to look at things is to remember that imperfections on your birthday are a reminder that you are still alive. That you’ve made it another year and can enjoy the good of life just as much as the bad, with all the precious, fun, exciting, crazy, memorable and beautiful experiences it has to offer, all wrapped up in one present for you.

So, if your birthday is coming up, I wish you a wonderful, happy and safe special day…but not a perfect one! Thank you.