John R. Fischer

Hello ghouls and goblins,

Happy Halloween! Hope you all have a frightfully delighful (but also safe) night lurking about in the shadows. I myself am headed to a haunted Asylum tonight where I hope I’m lucky enough to run into some spectral beings. The thought just sparks electricity through me, kind of like Frankenstein, haha. Okay. Enough with the bad Halloween jokes, but in all seriousness, I love every type of ghost, from phantoms to banshees to poltergeists…all except for one: the living ghosts, otherwise known as ghosters.

Most of us know what it’s like to have someone we love suddenly disappear into the mist, as though they died out of the blue. But they aren’t dead, they are alive and out living as though we never were part of their life to begin with. It’s like we’re disposable items to the ghoster, who often shows little to no empathy. I’d rather hang out with spirits who like to play tricks like switching off lights and turning on electric compliances than deal with the emotional toll a ghoster leaves on you. And heaven forbid, you see and try to confront them, as they will shut down and either ignore and walk by you or get angry, lash out and project and blame you for their inability to speak up.

I mentioned in my previous post that a friend of mine ghosted me after a misunderstanding on her birthday. I’ll try to be concise as possible because the story is long and confusing. In 2023, I was sick. Not sure if I had pneumonia or bronchitis, but I was down for the count. After a month and a half, my doctor told me I was no longer contagious. I was still coughing due to lung inflammation but the disease was gone.

I was staying at my dad’s at the time and the day I went back to my apartment, he went to a wedding. He left before I woke up so I didn’t see him at all that day. Two days later, I met my friend (we’ll call her N) and two others for dinner. The next day, my dad texted me that he had caught COVID at the wedding. I was certain I had not been exposed since I hadn’t seen him that day but just to be safe, I texted my friends and took a test, which was negative.

A few days later, N texted me on her birthday saying that she was uncomfortable with me coming to her party that night because she thought I was still sick and was also afraid I had been exposed to Covid. I texted to let her know that my doctor had given me the all clear and that I hadn’t been exposed to covid. She said okay, but asked that I wear a mask, which I agreed to. She has a condition which makes getting sick harder for her than others, and I wanted to be respectful of her wishes. I wasn’t mad at her for texting me. I simply thought I hadn’t informed her properly about my health.

Later on, I re-read her text and realized that I had misread it. She actually said she understood that I had told her I was no longer contagious and that I had a negative test for covid but was still uncomfortable. I texted her back that I was sorry for misunderstanding her text and that I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I said we could meet up another time.

She came back with a confusing reply, saying that she felt she was clear about what she wanted the first time but that she had already given me the green light to come, so the choice was mine. I didn’t really know what she meant by that and if she wanted me to come or not. In the end, I decided to go, since she said I could and because I knew I wasn’t contagious.

Now, I’m on the autism spectrum and benefit when people are straight up and direct with me. I tend to misread messages and do better when talking on the phone or in-person. N knows this, as we often had conversations about it. She also is the type who always tells people to be direct, upfront and clear, which is why I like her.

I went to the party, which I thought went well. At one point, I said to her I was sorry if I caused any confusion and had upset her. She and I talked about it, and it seemed like everything was resolved. Just to make sure no one else was confused, I briefly mentioned to the five others at the table that I was no longer contagious and had tested negative for covid. Everyone was cool with it, and the night went on. At the end, N came up to me and apologized again for the miscommunication. I also said I was sorry again, and we both said we were cool and agreed to text one another in a week to hang out.

What followed was then five months of silence. No response to my texts, no taking my calls, nothing. I tried backing off and giving her space for a few weeks, then a month, then a month and a half, checking in occassionally, as I was concerned about her. There have been times in the past when she has gone off the grid because she was dealing with family drama or her condition was acting up or other stuff. But she always got back within a few weeks.

A mutual friend of ours named M also was getting no responses to her texts, so I thought that N was dealing with something else and that the issue between us was resolved. Another mutual friend who works at a bar we often frequent, V said she was in contact with her and that she was going through some things related to her health, so that also made me think there was something else going on.

At the end of the five months, there was an earthquake. I reached out to N and all our mutual friends. N was the only one who didn’t respond. M, however, got a text from her out of the blue that just said safety check. It felt like a knife to the heart, knowing that she cared at least a little to reach out to M but not me. I knew then that she was still upset with me and was ghosting. I spoke with my therapist and drew up one last text, saying that I was willing to talk about what happened to see if we could work on things but that if she preferred we not be friends, I would respect her wishes.

An hour after sending it, N responded. She said that I had ruined her birthday by having a go-between with her all day via text (we only had six short texts between us that day) and that she was upset I had brought up the issue to her and in front of people at the party. She also implied I should have gotten the hint that she needed a break and that because I hadn’t, she didn’t think I was a friend she wanted in her life. She said we might have been able to work things out, but that she wasn’t sure now and that my last text was over the top. She also accused me of not showing her any respect throughout the unspoken break, of only thinking of myself when I occassionally would reach out to ask if she was okay, and of trying to ambush her at the bar by asking how she was to V.

After that I didn’t message her again. I was hurt by her words and had to do a lot of work to eventually understand that she was projecting her inability to communicate on to me. While ghosts simply play little pranks or give you a scare for a second, ghosters are far more malevolent in my opinion because they try to control relationships and the emotional obligations that come with it through silence. People can say all they want they don’t owe anyone anything, but if you want a friendship to work, then you owe it to the relationship to communicate, as that’s what friendship is based on. If you don’t want to work it out, then you owe it to yourself to say that you don’t want to so you can set a firm and clear boundary with the other party. It saves you a lot of time trying to avoid texts and calls. It’s also the decent and respectable thing to do for the other person, giving them some bit of closure even if it hurts.

Friendship shouldn’t be based on who owes who what. It should be about showing respect and care, even when it’s at its end. At least a ghost can’t help but disappear and not communicate. After all, they are dead.

The point I’m trying to make is that ghosting never solves anything. Many view it as a control tactic because they avoid discomfort but the truth is that it actually throws everything for the ghostee into chaos. It makes them question their ability to form genuine friendships and trust others as well as their own judgement. Also, if you are indeed looking to just take a break (which I don’t believe she was doing at all), then not speaking up is the worst way to go about it, as it gives people the impression that you are done with the relationship completely and view them as disposable. So don’t be surprised then when you want to resume the friendship, and they are not interested or confused and upset with you. Ghosting is selfish, an excuse, and quite frankly just unfair, cruel and hurtful. The only time it is acceptable is if someone is physically or very emotionally abusive to you.

So, like I said, if given the choice to be haunted by actual spiritual beings or be ghosted by a living person again, hand me a ouiji board and let’s start this seance. Lastly, if you want to be anything for Halloween, be a ghost, not a ghoster.

I hope this brings to you peace of mind and helps you know that you are not alone if you have been ghosted. I wish all of you a safe, peaceful and hauntingly Happy Halloween!

I’m off to the asylum. Good night.